Session #45: Princess Punchers (aka Wedding Crashers)

GM : Logan

System :

Max Player Count : 8 (ish)

Level Range :

Client :

Current Players : Tab, Mikey, Jackson, Ben, Michael

Location : Malyesta

Date : 23 Mar 2019 04:00

Start Time :

Job Link : [[[]]]

Session Description :

Alright ya'll are idiots. Through the help of some shady folks around Rhoegr, you've managed to crash the wedding of Tak and Kali, two members of the FGC and apparent royalty. There are of course guards but also important dignitaries such as Princess Anathe Tesuka. You and your group have decided that you'll get the bounty for punching her in the face or hopefully die trying because whatever penalty you face for trying is sure to be worse. Not only that but there are members of the FGC attending this wedding too. You're starting to really wonder if it's worth it.

__

Aight so, make a level 4 character that may or may not die or be thrown to the sand krakens. If you survive and complete the mission, you can keep the character for the FGC in addition to the sweet cash you'll get for completing the mission. If you die, well, you die.

Also, the player who successfully delivers the punch will be awarded the Princess Puncher role on the Discord server for all eternity.

Song of the Week: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZpV-wRXgNE

Session Summary :

Well… that was something else. I didn't expect to play a part in the first episode of It's Always Sunny in Maltyelma. I don't fully remember everything that happened, 'cause most of that session made me light headed from laughing. So if I get anything wrong, don't hesitate to let me know. I may or may not edit the summary, but I appreciate that you'd let me know. Anyways…

I suppose the best place to start would be to introduce the cast of… well I was going to say heroes, but that's a bit strong. Characters, there we go. First off we have Quentin the Necros, and his faithful corpse pu- I mean SIDEKICK Naff. Quentin wanted to punch the princess… for some reason. Mikey hasn't told me yet so it shall remain nebulous. Then, we have Michael's character: Barry Brown. The man so dark he could blend into shadows, also fond of drinking milk and OJ. Barry wants to punch the princess because… he had no other weekend plans. Next is Tab's character: Auryn. She's an actor who took this job just because it pays well, makes sense to me. She's probably the most sensible of the gang as well. Now we're up to Ben's character: Daxos, a young scholar from Valonde who took up the job solely because someone bet he couldn't do it. Needless to say, he proved them wrong. Finally, we have my character: Ty (of the Phoon Family). He's punching the princess because [insert elaborate revenge story here], and he has no interest in taking the money. He was also cursed by a wizard long ago to speak (and possibly even act) like a character from a bad kung-fu movie dub. Now that we know our players, let's discuss what exactly happened, because honestly it felt like a fever dream.

The five of us met at a bar called "The Silver Sword", where the bartender gave us all cards with instructions on how to signal that we were here for the job. Just sit at the bar and hit the bar top 3 times. Daxos did the deed, all the while staring passionately into Barry's eyes. The bartender led us downstairs to a private room, where we met the contact for the job, Rebecca. Her grin was spread wide across her face, her excitement was almost palpable. Once everyone was seated, Rebecca laid out a map and informed us about the wedding and some of the guests. The wedding was between Tak and Kali, a big deal as weddings are a new tradition for the wolf tribe of Charante. It would be taking place at a tavern in town, with most of the guests consisting of members of the FGC. Our target was one Princess Anathe Tesuka, royalty from Terrisea (well actually she's an extra dimensional usurper). Little did our intrepid punchers know, most of the party guests were decently high level characters of ours, and we began to feel that these newly made characters may not survive. During the planning, the question of who was going to land the punch on the princess was brought up, and both Barry and Ty desired it greatly. Barry and Ty had a staring contest to see who would earn the honor. In a stunning turn of events, we both rolled 13 on our Constitution rolls. Ty and Barry realized that they both were warriors of equal caliber, and believed they should share the honor. They even had a manly handshake. After the details of the wedding were given, Rebecca gave us each a disguise and fake identity, complete with invitation, for the party. Quentin had a bit of trouble though, as Rebecca had no clothes that really fit him and his huge orc body well. Auryn, on the other hand, really steeped herself in this role, spending time to get herself into character, much to Ty's confusion. Once we were ready, we set off, our fates soon to be determined by our fists.

We arrived at the wedding a while later, around late afternoon. We each gave our invitations and names to the bouncer, and all seemed well. That is, until Quentin tried to enter. The bouncer saw through his tight clothes immediately, and even recognized Naff as an undead (damn, he's smart). Thankfully, the bouncer was happy to provide him with much better fitting clothes. More importantly, we didn't arouse any suspicion. Once we were in, we split up, attempting to get a better idea of the layout of the tavern. Auryn began fraternizing with some of the party guests (including Flare, Marcus, and Jaques). Daxos began to investigate the hot tub/sauna area of the tavern, only to find Okwari recounting the tale of how he managed to powerbomb 12 rust monsters in one day to Kyohi. Quentin and Naff investigated the windows and the latrine, analyzing any potential exits for a quick getaway. Ty and his new bro Barry went to the bar. Ty had a mammosa, and Barry had some OJ and milk. In the same glass. It still makes me shudder when I think about it.

After we were all situated, Thaddeus "Tak's Daddeus" told us, through his thunderous voice, to find our seats to listen to the speeches of the best man (Ephriam) and bridesmaid (Finwe, wait isn't he a guy? Yeah shut up his wife couldn't make it [BEN EDIT: Finwe is Nay'ri's husband, Nay'ri was invited to be the maid of honor but she doesn't do Rhoegr]). Once that was said, Daxos sat down near the princess and Kali's mother. Barry and Ty, being closer to the bar than their objective, began to mobilize to sit closer to the princess. Unfortunately, several people around them began to get suspicious. Ty, thinking fast, attributed this movement to his wizard's curse. He needed to keep his legs moving otherwise he'd be in extreme pain. Now, Ty's cover may have been pretty bad, but thankfully all it netted him was a few raised brows and the barely contained anger of Turven. While the speeches were being said, with mishaps and improvisations aplenty, the rest of the team took position near Ty and Barry. At this point, Anathe took notice of Ty, and moved over to where he was sitting. She inquired why he was moving like that, and Ty fed her the same bullshit he fed everyone else, hoping it'd work. It wouldn't have mattered, since all at once, Quentin, Ty, Auryn, and Barry launched their fists in a surprise team attack. Naff burst out of the bathroom wall. Auryn and Barry landed their hits first, and that's when the shitshow began.

Either because everyone was so stunned, or GM fiat, we had a single surprise round to GTFO. Quentin tried once more to hit her, and failed again. Rather than try his luck next round, Quentin legged it out a window, leaving Naff a helpless pile of man. Ty also tried to punch her, and succeeded. Feeling satisfaction for the first time in years, he jumped out the same window Quinten used. However, instead of legging it once outside, Ty immediately felt remorse for leaving his team behind. He realized that these actions made him no better than the princess who abandoned his world. While Ty pondered at the window, Daxos also ran up and slapped the princess. Unfortunately, with that fourth hit, Anathe's rage became uncaged. Daxos got backhanded with a dragon claw, launching him across the room (seriously logan, 1d8+34 damage!? [BEN EDIT: For once Logan is not to blame. I made Anathe's stats, so it is only fitting that I be the recipient of the Smack] [Also that wasn't even close to the full combo]). Once Daxos hit the ground, the results were explosive. I mean, literally explosive. Daxos exploded. The explosion "killed" princess Bianca and her bodyguard Treyas. All that was left of them were two piles of ash, so that seems like a safe assumption [BEN EDIT: They're fine, Treyas Warped them away.]. Thankfully, no one else was hurt (except maybe Turven's confidence in his abilities). Auryn and Barry took this as a sign to up and leave, hopping out next to the pondering Ty. The three ran like madmen scrambling for the last slice of crazy pie.

While Quentin, Ty, and Barry could all move at supernatural speeds, Auryn was a little behind. Ty looked back and offered to carry Auryn to safety outside the town. Through Ty's improvised knowledge of the town (or maybe just a really good survival check), Ty and Auryn managed to avoid the guards. That didn't stop one bloodknight named Verrick from rolling a nat 20 (and also having a +20 to survival) to find us. He stood between us and freedom, and yet he didn't immediately try to kill us. He only requested that they explain why they punched the princess, use Daxos as the fall guy, and they could evade capture. Ty explained his reason (with really good timing on the background music) which was enough to satisfy Verrick. He left in a huff to find Barry and Quentin. Later, Barry and Quentin also were cornered by Verrick, but he didn't take as much time with them as with Ty and Auryn.

Eventually, the group reconvened at the Scoundrel's Spear bar, where they all had a pause for thought: "What now?" That question was indirectly answered by someone walking through the door. That someone just so happened to be Turven. He must've been at the end of his rope when he came to find us, and the only thing stopping him from just taking us all in was the huge bag of gold that he tossed on the table. Each of us got 15,000 gold for completing the mission, but Turven had another offer. Give him 3,000 gold, and receive membership into the FGC. Everyone seemingly went along with Turven's deal, and after he collected his dues he left for… somewhere. Probably somewhere where he could drink and shout in peace. The gang left shortly thereafter. Barry went to find more "calcium", Ty and Quentin walked off into the desert to find Malyesta, and Auryn… probably went to an inn to go sleep 'cause Jesus Christ these people are insane.

Well, that's the end. I'm not sure what's more hard to believe, that only one of us got caught or the fact that it's over. Well, I don't know about y'all, I had a blast. Yet in the wake of the settling dust, the future of the gang is uncertain. Will Daxos be executed? Will Quentin ever be free of his troubled past? Will Barry ever find the legendary Orange Cow, source of all OJ and milk the world over? Tune in next week for the next episode of The Princess Punchers Episode 2: Fate of the Fallen Fists.

-Jackson

BEN EDIT: Daxos was spared by the Queen, on the condition that the official story be that he did not Punch the Princess, and that he was not "real", and that he was, in fact, chicken. This is how supervillains are born.


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