Session #89: A Band of Merrish Men

GM : Drewski

Max Player Count : Unlimited

Level Range : 2-3

Client : Lieutenant Colonel Robin, on behalf of Major General DeCroix

Current Players :

Location : Terrissea

Date : 28 Dec 2019 05:00

Start Time : 8 PM

Job Link : [[[]]]

Session Description :

A letter is posted on the board attached to the mission.

"Greetings Adventurers of Terrisea,

It has come to our attention that a small group of soldiers have deserted their posts in Leneruck and taken up a life of pillage and plunder in the Roetwald. Naturally such a disgrace must be dealt with in all haste, as Merrill will not tolerate this behavior. However, we cannot be the ones to find these traitors. Sending Merrish soldiers to hunt through the countryside would likely be seen as an act of war, no? Word is beginning to spread about this disgrace, and we intend that it spread no further. Bring them back to Leneruck dead or alive and you shall each be paid 500 gold pieces. Good hunting."


While we are reluctant to help the Merrish in any way, it has also come to our attention that this could be an excellent opportunity to find out more about the Merrish mind link. It seems that these soldiers broke free from the link somehow, and any information about that we can recover will be invaluable. The Empress has agreed to pay you each 250 gold pieces if you can bring back any of these deserters alive.

Session Summary :

TLDR: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IdiotPlot

The Squad: Ignace the 5’8” human, standing next to Bolli the 8’0” orc-troll, and also Haafiza the similarly huge Exile woman, who has joined the guild following the Sword of Rhoegr arc. She has a war lute! And is still drunk.

The Mission: The Merrish occupation of Leneruck is… having some problems, apparently. It seems that they have… deserters? Strange deserters. Deserters using names from a local Roetwald legend. The legend… of Hoo’Drobin! They are hanging around Leneruck and generally being bandits, though they are messing with the Merrish somewhat too. Major Robin wants the FGC to take care of them, because, well… we’re only sort of at war, and a squad of Merrish soldiers roaming the countryside would probably not go over well. The Empress, however, wants them alive, because it seems these deserters were able to break Major General DeCroix’s mind link, and she needs any info she can get about that stupid thing.

First, research! We investigated the legend of Hoo’Drobin. By asking Roku. Roku, after getting over his wild-eyed look of “oh god you’re not from that faerie woman are you?”, told us the Hoo’Drobin was something of a… vigilante, I guess. Helped the Roetwald repel a few incursions way back before Saigon. Ironic, then, that the name is now being used by a Merrish man. Ironic, or cultural appropriation? I’m inclined towards the latter.

Then, to Leneruck! Or a nearby village anyway, investigations turned up a fruit basket, yam vodka, and a halfling woman whose husband had been killed by the bandits. “They didn’t even find a body, but they left his stuff on my doorstep.” Weird, but it’s enough for a direction. Bolli summons the Archer, and we start tracking. A few miles later, we find a bit of a clearing, and are challenged by a very Merrish sounding individual! It quickly becomes apparent that this “Hoo’Drobin” character is… not an Int build. We go back and forth for a while on “are we fighting or talking or what?” before settling on “okay yeah we’re fighting”.

This is where Drew’s many sins made themselves manifest. Hoo’Drobin himself was the only one with a gun (thankfully) but he was joined, trickling in from the woods one by one over the course of like four rounds, by: Bill Maroon, the crossbow man; The Priest Tyuk, who heals; Big John, who was a halfling (HMMMMMMMM) monk type; The Man Marion, who was much larger than Big John and had axes, and a thing for Ignace apparantly; the “Dude” of Disbourne, an archer who took some liberties with the original name, which was the Duke of Disbourne; David the Caster, who as you might imagine was a caster, mostly of destructive blasts; and finally (thank fuck) Arthur the Bland, who was a bland archer. Yeah they just KEPT COMING.

The fight was uh… more than a bit silly. So that Archer I mentioned earlier? Is a summon, so it’s like a level one ranger using 15 point buy. Not supposed to be all that great. He’s got 9 hit points. But, thanks to literally every PC being a support in some fashion (Bolli has a +1/+2 attack and damage aura, Ignace is “take the damage for you” kinda tank, and Haafiza does Fate sphere dice manipulation nonsense), and also some ridiculous dice (4 nat twenties on initial attack rolls when the bonus was somewhere between +0 and +2 due to Borrowing Luck) (only one crit confirmed), that Archer did crazy damage to fucking everything. Who did he kill… He killed The Priest Tyuk, David the Caster, Arthur the Bland, Bill Maroon, and… I think that’s it. Bolli got the last hit on Big John… Haafiza got the Dude of Disbourne all by herself, Ignace got the Man Marion I think, and Hoo’Drobin did the first smart thing in his life and surrendered. Big John and the Man Marion were salvageable. The rest… uh… not so much. The Archer was not aiming to take prisoners.

I’ll spare you the details of the interrogation, and simply leave you with the conclusion we came to (which Hoo’Drobin strongly objected to, but we weren’t particularly interested in his opinion) was this: the constant mind link means the soldiers have basically no privacy, which made it really hard to masturbate. So, they ran away to the woods so they could jerk off in peace. I dunno why he was acting so offended by the notion, it’s a pretty good reason!

Also they were just bandits. They were only messing with the Merrish for the potential of goodwill from the locals. And Hoo’Drobin was genuinely convinced that Big John was just really short, not a halfling. “We have tons of midgets in Merril!” Like I said, not an Int build.

Anyhow, we took Big John back to his wife, leaving him hogtied on the porch and doing the ol’ Ding Dong Ditch, on the grounds that whatever punishment the Empress had in mind wasn’t as bad as what his wife would do to him. The other two went back to Menande. And we were paid! Huzzah!


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